Celebrity Cafe

Friday, August 26, 2005

COMMUTER RANT

Commuting today -- Friday -- brought out the worse in me because I didn’t want to leave my home, more specifically my bed this morning. I have a 40-50 min commute from Maryland to D.C. on the Metro rail. Here’s my commuter rant that isn’t designed to be politically correct or fair. I don’t care. I want to rant.

CELL PHONES AND PARKING DON’T GO TOGETHER

I merged onto the street for the metro parking lot and yielded for the oncoming traffic. The driver who had the right-of-way slammed on her brakes to let me go – cell phone in hand, as if she was using the speaker phone feature. I motioned for her to go. I wanted her in front of me where I could see the silly woman. She motioned for me to go. I sucked my teeth and hit the gas. She decided to hit her gas too. I braked. She braked. Meanwhile she’s still talking on the cell phone. She finally went on her way and turned into the parking lot. The next trick this yahoo tried was to park her car while holding the phone. I left her aisle and went to another because I could see that she would have plucked my nerve enough for me to tell her to invest in a hands free device. If you can afford your car, your hair do, your nails, your clothes, then you can afford a hands free device. Stop being trifling. Stop being a menace. Stop being a yahoo.

ESCALATORS ARE NOT PEOPLE MOVERS

Escalators are the devices that take you from one level to another. People Movers are the flat belts, like an assembly line device, that moves you along a path. Why is it that commuters who don’t want to exert any kind of energy get onto the escalators, ride it up or down. When they reach the final point, they just stand there. They don’t move their feet. Well guess what I’m coming up behind you. You can’t slowly move off the escalator. The forward motion has stopped. It’s time for you to swing those legs and get them moving. Otherwise I and others will be smashed against each other rear ends. And I’d rather not.

P.S. People/ Tourists/ Occasional Commuters – The right side is where you stand. The left side is for walking up the escalator. Don’t confuse the two. And don’t you and your friend take up both sides. You’re liable to get a disgusted “excuse me” and the dagger stare when I go past you.

KNOW YOUR SEAT LIMITATIONS

Once a upon a time, I was a size 3, 4, 5. Well you get the point. It’s going in the wrong direction. And I know that I can’t fit in every space. I’m not in denial. I don’t go to kiddie rides and squeeze my widening hips into a rollercoaster car while my kid folds herself into an accordion to deal with my overlap.

Then please, why can’t commuters with wide hips know that they shouldn’t cut off people’s circulation or air supply to get a seat. In my older age, I have no qualms in getting up after a huge behind eclipses the sun as it descends next to me. Widening girths don’t happen overnight. So it’s not a surprise to know that you overlap the dividing line between seats. Stop the madness.

LOW RIDER PANTS

This one amuses me when I’m in a good mood. It annoys me, otherwise. As Americans we love to tout our rights. I guess the right to wear low rider pants is up there with liberty and the pursuit of happiness. In case you didn’t know the view point of others, let me tell you. I realize that I don’t have to look at you. But sitting in a train there’s not much to look at, until the next set of commuters board the train.

Low riders are for flat behinds and flat stomachs. This is not for the woman curved in the back and front who is going through some type of image crisis to feel whole and feminine because she was able to button her pants waist. Why on earth do you want pants that close under the belly making your belly look like the ice-cream on a cone. Then you wear a crop top that shows the belly and stretch marks? Or when you bend over I get to see the style, make and model of the panty and in one case, the butt crack. Don’t get mad at me, I call it like I see it.

OPEN TOED SHOES – THANK GOODNESS FOR COLD WEATHER

Isn’t it wonderful to wiggle your toes and not have it hemmed up in shoes? But can we get a pedicure. This doesn’t mean an expensive feet make over. Simple cutting of the nails, lotion on the feet, using a pumice stone for those ragged heels would suffice. Feet should not hang off the back of your shoe. People, this means the shoe is too small. Pinky toes should be securely fastened, if they like to stray to the side. Otherwise, it’s like a runaway nub. Bunions are also like runaway pinky toes, an obstruction. Unless you’re scared of the knife or have medical issues, it is a treatable condition. Plus it doesn’t get better with age.

So now you see why I should have stayed home. TGIF.

Michelle Monkou
http://www.michellemonkou.com

8 Comments:

  • Rants are only good for one thing...telling the TRUTH. There's nothing like taking an escalator going up with heavy bottomed, thong peeking, low rider pants as your frontal view for the 30 second ride. Talk about lasting a lifetime. This only happened once, thank God, but I still quiver.

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